Pretty often someone will tell me a story about a friend who is in the hospital, or a complicated pregnancy that's not going well, or a child who is in the hospital - you get the point. And they ask me what can they do for that person.
I get asked this because I spent 4 weeks lying on my left side in a hospital just before Adam was born. He spent 100 days in the NICU, 2 additional months hospitalized with his tracheostomy, and we have been in the hospital for 5 surgeries and numerous other illnesses over the past 2 years.
So... Everyone is different. I am not saying what helped me will help you, but here is what some people did for me and my family that was awesome. (in no particular order)
- mailed me personal cards that were very funny, uplifting and reminded me of stories and past adventures
- books (not deep- fluffy summer mindless books and funny ones)
- burned cds/itunes gifts with really good tunes that were uplifting or reminded me of good times
- care basket with nail file, puzzle books, snacks, pen, journal
- friends paid for a cleaning service to come
- lots of dinners that were given to me ready to eat- (i brought these to the hospital and was able to eat dinner while visiting with adam) Some friends even included desserts!
- books, dvds, cards given to my other child- who was also in need of tlc during these scary times.
- People took Matthew out to do things with them
- some medical equipment and special things we needed were paid for by friends
- gift cards to fastfood places near the hospital
- friends who would look up stuff for me on line and research things (support groups, doctors, treatment options) for me- weed it out and give me the answers I was needing because I had lots of questions and no time
- people who did the everyday stuff for us: raking leaves, mowing my lawn, taking the garbage to the curb, food shopping
- distracted me. sometimes it was terrible talking about it all the time. sometimes you just wanted someone to ask you about The Office.
Things that were not helpful to me.
- someone telling me that they once had a friend of a friend's neighbor who had a similar thing happen and they were fine. Every story is different and believe me a 2 or 3 pound baby is huge. A few weeks makes a ridiculous difference.
- people who talked about their own kids and their own issues trying to connect, but they were way off: like " My son has his tonsils out and I know how scary it is to have your kid getting surgery"
- baby gifts. Until he was home- all baby gifts made me worry.
It's still real hard for us to deal with parents who complain about kids who keep them up all night crying, or eating problems. Parents who you see are not really enjoying their good luck having healthy children. It's hard when people ask me "How much longer till he can get rid of a feeding tube" "So , is everything okay now that there's no trach?" " It's great, that's he's normal"
Like, he's a special kid. He has cognitive and communication delays. These are impacting his development. Our long term goals for Adam are to be in a public school in elementary school, but he is special. I hope that he will overcome his delays and that they will not result in lifelong disabilities, but I am not a fortune teller. I love him. I am doing the best I can to help him grow.
Hopefully, If you are ever in a hospital, you will have caring family and friends to help you. We did and it made a huge difference.
Thanks for these tips. It can be so hard to know the right thing to say or do. People generally have good intentions and often say the totally wrong thing! Sounds like you have an awesome support system. That's good for all of you!
ReplyDeleteI love this post and your honesty. You should write this as an editorial/article for a newspaper. It would help a lot of people. Adam is very fortunate to have you and Phil as his parents.
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